


Castle Of Glass

by SonataNocturne



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Angst, FWUCollections, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad, Slash, Soulmates, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2019-08-13 23:20:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16481681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataNocturne/pseuds/SonataNocturne
Summary: A new life in a new city and people around him that he didn't know. They were strange and he had difficulties to adjust. But he wasn't the one that was struggling most.-Work in progress. I try to write a new chapter every week-





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. New start. Jeez, had planned this for months. We'll see how it goes. The first chapter, prologue, is super short and seems random. There is, however, meaning behind it. I will add tags and warnings as I go, but I will warn already that this won't be a light story.

 

\-----------

 

The dreams started as quickly as they ended. Suddenly he was in a room. It was dark and small, but he somehow felt comfortable there. It had four walls and a door. From the door came in a light which shade changed every time. It illuminated the walls with a soft, mesmerizing color. Dancing on the walls like the source was moving, and he couldn't stop staring at it. Maybe he stayed like that for hours. Maybe it was just a glimpse. Cause, after all, it was just a dream.

  
One time a voice appeared. It was soft and delightful. He listened. He listened so carefully that he started to miss it when he woke up. Or when the dream didn't come. Because he wasn't there every night. Occasionally there were weeks before he was back. Sometimes it was only days.

  
The voice talked like in incomplete thoughts. Sometimes it had a serious tone, sometimes lighter. It bounced from a thing to another, and only occasionally he could catch what was the meaning behind the words. It didn't matter. He enjoyed the sound of it and felt like home in the room with the voice and the light. And rarely he remembered what the voice talked about when he woke up.

  
Then suddenly the voice didn't come. One night he sat there waiting, but it stayed quiet. He didn't understand why, but he realized it was a dream. Dreams aren't logical. Or consistent. But he missed the voice. And the silence was deafening.

  
He was sad but when he was back there the next time, he sat down again patiently, waiting. This time it was even more different. The door was closed and the room was pitch black. But it wasn't that what made him scared. But the atmosphere. The air felt thick and heavy, squeezing him in. It was like something evil was trying to get inside, He wanted to get out. It wasn't any more like it had been and he didn't want to be there. And still, it was quiet.

  
That was the first time he woke up after the dream feeling anxious and afraid. The feeling stayed with him for the whole day, like a shadow watching his every step. And that was the last time he had been in the room.

  
Now when he sat in a bus, traveling from his hometown to Los Angeles to his new life, his mind went back to the dreams. The sun was setting, painting the sky with same glowing orange as had danced in the room the last time he had seen the light. He missed it and the voice.

  
Because the dreams ended as quickly as they started.

  
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	2. I know that I didn't look out below

 

\---------  
  
  
  
Walking down the street Chester felt like he could really live there. Well, now he did. Los Angeles was a beautiful city. He didn't really have anything back in Arizona. The friends that were left behind supported him. The family members that really cared, would do it still. They were all going to wait for him and the rest didn't matter. And he wasn't going to give up. Not this time. This would be the time when he would fight for what he wanted.  
  
  
"Hey! So you're Chester", an Asian looking man greeted him when he stopped in front of the rehearsal space he had gotten the address to.  
  
  
Wiggling toes inside his shoes he realized he would need a car as a first thing. He was lucky to have friends there. One who lived just up the street and was happy to let him sleep on his living room floor for a few days. His friend's girlfriend just wasn't as happy. And another who had mentioned a car he was going to sell. Maybe that could be his car.  
  
  
"Yeah. You are Mike then", he nodded wondering should he shake hands with the guy or not, but contented to keep his hands tucked in his pant pockets.  
  
  
The other nodded and took a long look at him before he opened his mouth again, "So uhm! Let's go in then."  
  
  
 _Not awkward at all_ , Mike thought laughing inwardly at himself.  
  
  
Chester seemed like he was a tiny bit lost. The way people usually were when a big change is coming and they start to think was it a smart choice after all. But he also seemed curious and energetic and Mike thought they would get along well.  
  
  
"So this is it. It's small but we enjoy it here", Mike opened the door to the room.  
  
  
It was small. And dark. On the other side of the room, there was a couch for two that had three people sitting on it. The one looked also Asian. One was wearing a huge hoodie and when the guy didn't look that small himself either, Chester wondered how many time could he himself fit inside that hoodie. Then there was a third guy, also wearing a hoodie, at least two sizes too big. Baseball cap backward and chewing his fingernail. Next to them stood the fourth guy with dark, obviously dyed, hair.  
  
  
"Chester. Here is... well, us. That's Rob there in the left side. Drummer. The one in the middle is Brad, the guitarist. Then there's Joe, our deejay. And the one with the bass is Dave, uhm.. Phoenix, the bassist", Mike introduced them.  
  
  
Joe jumped up and hugged Chester instantly causing him to let out a nervous laughter. "Okay so..."  
  
  
"Glad you joined us. Hopefully, we can now get actually forward with the music", Mike patted Chester's back amused by Joe's reaction.  
  
  
"Can't wait to get to work. So how does... I mean, this is where you rehearse I can see but..." Chester rubbed the back of his neck wondering was there some guides how people should work in such situations.  
  
  
"Okay so sit down and we'll explain everything", Mike gestured towards the couch where Chester walked and sat down.  
  
  
Just as he sat down and brushed accidentally Brad's leg he heard a barely audible gasp. First, he thought that Brad was just maybe annoyed by him but he felt weird too. It was a strong feeling, but somehow still really strange and vague. He glanced at the other who had dropped his finger from his mouth and was now chewing his lip. The glare he got back wasn't annoyed but confused.  
  
  
"So generally we rehearse as much as we can. We all have day jobs so generally we come here after work. And leave then when we have to since the people living in the building appreciate also silence at nighttime. Except Brad who works as a bouncer too", Mike explained.  
  
  
"Bouncer?" Chester repeated thinking he heard it wrong. Sure the huge hoodie hid Brad's body, but he didn't really look like that type at all.  
  
  
Brad rolled his eyes and waved his hand in the air not feeling like explaining.  
  
  
"Yeah. And then... uhm, so do you have that tape?" Mike asked. They had been really sure over the phone already. But it still didn't seem like a right thing to do, to just add someone in a band after listening to him sing over the phone. Even if it was in an actual tape.  
  
  
Chester fished his pocket and handed the tape to Mike who went to search a device that would play it.  
  
  
"Bouncer?" he had to ask again meanwhile.  
  
  
"Dude... I'm stronger than you think", Brad snorted shaking his head.  
  
  
"Yeah but... " Chester laughed. He couldn't chase away the weird feeling he had. And somehow he knew Brad felt it too, but tried to just ignore it.  
  
  
Mike came soon back with a boombox and interrupted his thoughts. Pushing the tape in and then the play button Mike leaned on the wall and soon Chester's voice filled the room. Chester lifted his ankle over his knee and cast his eyes down. He had heard it many times, but suddenly it made him so nervous. It felt like the others were now on that point that they had to choose whether get him on board or not. Even if they had already kinda agreed that he was the singer the band needed.  
  
  
After the songs were over he felt Brad stare at him. Like he had something to say but didn't know how. Mike opened the machine and picked up the tape and handed it back to Chester.  
  
  
"Okay, I think that was like... well the final thing. Not gonna lie- you are amazing and I think we all can agree that you are officially our singer", Mike nodded.  
  
  
"Awesome! Now I just have to figure out what the hell will I do here since I don't have a place to stay and... but that's not really your concern. When should we start rehearsing?" Chester said his eyes smiling too.  
  
  
"You don't have a... then how did you just..." Brad frowned. He didn't get that someone would just move to another city to start a life that wasn't sure at all.  
  
  
"Because I had a feeling that this would be it. I have some friends that I can stay with while I look for an apartment", Chester shrugged.  
  
  
"The thing is... we have already booked auditions. It would be just rude to tell them no, when we promised that we are going to listen to them all before we decide", Mike grimaced.  
  
  
"Well, then we just have to do", Chester said. He didn't mind that they went through the auditions. After all, a promise is a promise.  
  
  
"That's settled then. So let's start tomorrow after the auditions. We have managed to get an audition space from a local music magazine headquarters. There are so many people that we have divided the rest for three days. I assume that is enough, Mike explained.  
  
  
"Okay. Sounds like a plan. I need to go to see a friend of mine that has an old Toyota for sale and then figure out where I sleep next week", Chester said more to himself than for them.  
  
  
"If you need Rob has a car and probably could help?" Mike said looking at Rob who nodded.  
  
  
"I think we should celebrate. I mean... None of us has lots of money but maybe a few beers?" Joe suggested.  
  
  
They all looked around like trying to find someone who was disagreeing, but no one did.  
  
  
"Maybe then just the tiny bar few blocks away? The one where they threw Rob once out", Mike suggested and smirked then at the memory.  
  
  
Rob rolled his eyes. "And I still don't know why. But they didn't say I am not welcome back. So, fine by me."  
  
  
Together they all agreed that it would be a good idea and also the perfect way to get to know Chester more, now that he was officially in the band.  
  
  
"So you just dropped everything?" Mike asked as they reached the bar and ordered the drinks.  
  
  
Scanning around the room he spotted some free seats that were lining the walls of the bar and gestured that they should go there.  
  
  
"Yeah. You gotta take some chances. You can't win if you don't try. And after all, if I don't, I can always go back. The part of my family that cares and the friends that stayed there will support me anyway. The ones that don't... Well, fuck 'em. Won't need that kind of negativity in my life", Chester explained shrugging.  
  
  
When they had all gotten the beers in their hands they claimed the seats and relaxed.  
  
  
"Very true. Well, we are glad you did. Seriously some of the singers that have auditioned... Like, why would you even try to get to a band when you clearly can't sing at all", Dave nodded.  
  
  
"But you don't have anything here? You quit your job too?" Rob frowned. He couldn't imagine what would be like to just take a leap to unknown. A brave thing really and he could already feel that this guy would do his all that they could make good music and maybe get somewhere.  
  
  
"Well, yeah. Need to find a job first now. As I said, I have friends here and they have kept their eyes open, so I actually have few interviews on Monday", Chester smiled and gulped from his bottle.  
  
  
"So not that bad then", Mike nodded reassuring. He felt honored that someone had left everything he had just to start as the singer in his band.  
  
  
Chester's attention turned to Brad who seemed like he was lost in somewhere. Looking around the bar and sipping his beer in a fast pace. He couldn't erase the feeling that something was wrong, but he couldn't grasp onto what it was either. Brad noticed him staring and shifted in discomfort obviously, but didn't say a thing.  
  
  
"I think we should also start to work on new music. Your voice brought so much more to the songs that I want to see what we could do together", the emcee continued while Chester tried not to stare at Brad.  
  
  
"I told you the rap parts sound like they are clued in", Joe noted snorting.  
  
  
"Pft... Don't insult my music", Mike rolled his eyes but laughed then. Joe had been right but bringing Chester into the band just made it clearer.  
  
  
"I'm gonna..." Brad mumbled and pointed towards the pool table with his bottle.  
  
  
Chester frowned as Mike sighed heavily next to him and Brad darted a piercing glance back at him, it telling Mike to not say a thing. Then he watched as the guitarist skipped to the pool table and just casually joined the other people already playing.  
  
  
"Do you write?" Mike continued with the subject and Chester had to tear his eyes off of the guitarist who's behavior had taken a total turn now. He was smiling and looking more relaxed.  
  
  
"Some yes. But I don't think I am particularly good at it", he answered.  
  
  
"Okay. That's awesome. We need to see than could it work with my writing style. Brad does a lot too", the other nodded and noticed then finally that Chester was staring at the guitarist. "Mhm... Don't mind him. He isn't trying to avoid trying to get to know you or... like... Jeez. It looks like he doesn't care about the about the band but he does."  
  
  
"I wasn't... I don't know you guys at all so...", Chester shrugged.  
  
  
It was so painfully obvious that Brad was flirting with one of the guys playing the pool that Chester was sure every single one in the bar saw it. Weirdly it made him uncomfortable. Even if he didn't know Brad at all.  
  
  
"You will get to know us, don't worry. He might be confusing at first but he will get used to you too. It takes time for him to let people in", Mike explained and sipped the rest of his beer.  
  
  
"Right. I am used to people rejecting me", the other answered mumbling the words out.  
  
  
 _Doesn't though look like he is too scared to let people in_ , he thought then, trying to stop staring at the guitarist.  
  
  
Mike squeezed his shoulder. "It's all going to be okay. Just remember that we wouldn't even be able to continue without you. As Dave pointed out, some singers that auditioned for us were really bad. And even the ones that were good weren't that for us."  
  
  
Chester's eyebrow raised as he saw the guitarist smirking at the guy and letting him grab his belt. Wrapping his arm around the guy's neck Brad leaned to whisper something in his ear and Chester grimaced. He didn't get why he felt so awkward. The guy cocked his head, nodded and squeezed Brad's butt and then they headed outside totally ignoring the game that wasn't finished yet, and Brad the band. The emcee sighed barely audibly next to him noticing Brad leave too but didn't say a thing, and the others seemed not to think anything about it.  
  
  
"Tomorrow, do you want to join the auditions?" Mike asked then.  
  
  
"If it's okay for all of you I could join too. I'll stay out off the way of course."  
  
  
"No no no... As we said, out of respect, we have to listen to them all through. And of course you are welcome, you belong to the band now", the other shook his head smiling.  
  
  
Chester nodded accepting it. Mike was really welcoming and he was sure that he would relax as he would learn more about them. And get a job. It stressed him a lot that he didn't have one now, and only money he had was his savings and it wouldn't last long.  
  
  
They stayed for a while longer, drinking other beers and then they all headed to their homes. And Chester to his friend's place that was his only safe place now. But he was sure things were going to work out just fine. At least Mike had shown that he was a friend that he could trust on. Gladly eating a few sandwiches that his friend had made for him he went to sleep feeling excited.  
  
  
But in the dark hours of the night, he woke up panting and sweaty from the living room floor that had been his bed for a few days, to a nightmare that felt horribly real. Shivering he covered his mouth muffling the pained gasp that escaped his mouth, and after scanning the room he realized he was alone and awake. He wrapped then the covers around himself, trying to find as much comfort from them as possible. The screams were still ringing in his ears. A voice too familiar, and he was overwhelmed on top of the panic webbing through him. It took a long while before he fell asleep again now to a restless dreamless sleep.  
  
  
  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are absolutely cherished.


	3. But if it falls, there's no place to run

 

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And what happened was that Chester got the car so cheap that he was able to pay it instantly and pick up before the day at the auditions. Grimacing at himself and the Los Angeles traffic he turned from a crossroad and hoped he could find the place. Really just looking at a map and then trying to remember where to turn and so, wasn't really his forte. But when he parked outside the place he felt lucky that his memory didn't fuck him up this time.  
  
  
"Hey!" Mike greeted him when he got inside.  
  
  
"Those people are all coming here?" Chester's eyes widened in surprise as he pointed at the line.  
  
  
"Yup. It's gonna be a long day. That's why we took three days. And Brad isn't yet here so we need to wait", the emcee nodded.  
  
  
He nodded back and took a seat farther away. Just to stay away. He still felt like an outsider, but after all, he hadn’t known them even a day and they had known each other for years. Swaying his legs on his chair like trying to chase away the weirdness he watched the others. Joe was talking now to Mike and Dave was reading something from a paper. And the drummer guy, Rob, was napping on a tiny couch, legs lifted over the armrest. Dave came to speak with him soon and again he felt great that they were so nice people.  
  
  
They had waited for almost a half an hour when Brad finally arrived. He looked exhausted and Chester’s mind went instantly back to the other day. Before none of them got to say a thing Mike cleared his throat.  
  
  
“It’s about a fucking time. Do you realize how late you are _Bradford_?" Mike huffed emphasizing Brad's full name, knowing how it would irritate the guitarist.  
  
  
"Yes I do _Michael_ ", Brad rolled his eyes, answering in the same manner and waited until Rob has moved so he could sit there on the couch.  
  
  
"Fucking hell", Mike mumbled to himself and shook his head. He knew that continuing this would just lead to a heated argument and they wouldn't get an apology from Brad either way. And he also knew that Brad didn't do it on purpose. He just didn't think that far to actually realize they were waiting for him. The other problem was the space. The line waiting for them would hear if they would start a fight since they were in the same space.  
  
  
"We could maybe start?" Dave pointed out sensing how chilly the tension was between the emcee and the guitarist.  
  
  
Mike nodded and let Dave handle the situation and go and tell the first one in the line to come and audition. He was too pissed to function in a manner he was used to. Soon they were on a flow. Singer after singer coming inside and singing one song that they themselves had chosen. And they had been right to Chester’s opinion. Some people were horrible and he wondered had no one told them they would be better of focusing on something they were good in instead. And some were amazing, but it just didn’t fit.  
  
  
When the line had reduced to over half Chester was suddenly aware of Brad’s presence and how he seemed to radiate something that made him shiver. Without even thinking he turned to face the guitarist and after a second of staring opened his mouth.  
  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
  
“Huh?” Brad frowned and turned to look at him. He looked absolutely overwhelmed and weirded out that someone was interested and actually saw that he wasn’t fine.  
  
  
“Yeah. Are you okay? You don’t seem to be that good and… well, I don’t know why you were late but I don’t… Ah just forget it. I don’t want to put my nose to your things but I just don’t want to sit here if I could maybe help”, Chester shrugged.  
  
  
He really didn’t want to say that he thought Brad being late wasn’t as bad as Mike made it seem to look like. Because after all he was the new guy and he didn’t know them at all or if they had some unresolved issue that his curiosity could make worse.  
  
  
“Sure I am”, Brad mumbled and shrugged, still confused.  
  
  
“Not that convincing but I’m not going to argue with you.”  
  
  
“And why do you care?” Brad said, and that was really an honest question, without a mean tone.  
  
  
“Uhm… Honestly, I have no fucking clue. Somehow I feel…” Chester started but then he realized it would be awkward to say he feels connected to Brad. They just met the day before so he really couldn’t. Not even when he felt like it. “I just do.”  
  
  
He watched as Brad seemed to fight some battle in his head before he shook his head slowly, “Thanks, but I’m okay.”  
  
  
And so he had to ignore the tension and focus back to the next singer auditioning to the place that was already filled. But he also noticed the hickeys on Brad’s collarbone when he scratched the skin with his thumb. And the eyes that were wandering around the room, trying to stay on walls and items, like he didn’t want to look anyone long enough for them to notice. And the fingers that kept fidgeting with the strings on his hoodie. And Chester couldn’t ignore how clammy the fingers looked, leaving tiny wet spots on the light grey jumper  
  
  
Frowning and biting his lip he forced his thoughts aside as it certainly wasn’t the place for his concerned mind to unravel. He could see there were only five more to go, as one by one they had rejected the singers. He couldn’t understand how Mike had been so patient with all of them, actually listening to their performances when they all knew it was in vain. But he also enjoyed the enthusiasm the most of them had and he could tell if the ones that could actually sing would continue for reaching to their goal they would get there someday. This just wasn’t it, but his. And he was content. Nervous, overwhelmed, but also excited and happy.  
  
  
“So. That was that”, Mike turned on his seat when the last singer had left the place.  
  
  
His eyes turned instantly to Brad and Chester could tell that they were about to fight. Both had something to say, and neither of them wanted to keep it in.  
  
  
“Was the idea that we rehearse now?” he decided to ask instead of letting them blow up there. Maybe they could handle it later when they were alone.  
  
  
“Yes, that would be a good idea. But not a too long day, if that’s okay for everyone”, Mike nodded and got to his feet.  
  
  
There was mumbling of agreement in the air and soon they were outside the building and in their respective cars. Mike glanced at Chester’s car that looked like it could break down any minute and told him to follow his. At least that way Chester hopefully wouldn’t get lost. Dave joined Mike and Joe to Mike’s car and Brad to Rob’s which made him think didn’t he have a car or if why didn’t he use it today. And then he realized he was being weird and it shouldn’t be his concern anyway.  
  
  
He managed to follow Mike and even if the traffic was a pain in the ass they were quickly at the rehearsing space. He watched with joy as the others got everything ready, like a kid waiting for Christmas. This was what he wanted. Even if it was now crappy, tiny, dirty space, it was theirs. Mike smiled when he noticed how he was staring at them and came to pat his shoulder.  
  
  
“In no time we get gigs. Imagine that. We get to play to an audience.”  
  
  
Chester nodded and continued to smile until Rob gave them the cue and he sunk into the lyrics he had just a while back learned. Soon he felt like he was in trance and it all seemed to flow even more effortlessly than with his previous bandmates.  
  
  
Brad couldn’t stop staring at the new guy. He tried to stop but there was a weird pull and somehow his eyes set back on him every time he noticed he had disappeared in his own mind. He found it intriguing, but also annoying. But before he even got a chance to realize it the familiar weight was rolling over him and he felt like choking.  
  
  
 _Fuck, not now, not now. Not again,_  he thought chewing his lip.  _This can't be happening here._  
  
  
He was already gasping for air and he knew if he wouldn't get out soon they would notice. But the song was over and they already had played them all few times, so he didn't hesitate longer.  
  
  
"I think that's enough for today, right? I need to do some stuff before my shift", he mumbled with a shaky voice.  
  
  
"Yeah, that's fine. We'll continue tomorrow", Mike nodded not even looking at him.  
  
  
Chester frowned when he got the chills. He had no idea what was happening and why he felt suddenly so awkward. He watched from the corner of his eye as Brad turned off his gear, placed his guitar on its place and the headphones around the neck and then left without saying anything else.  
  
  
"So you apparently got the car?" Rob asked when the door closed behind the guitarist.  
  
  
"Yeah! It was so cheap that I decided to spend some money on it. The lights don't work properly so... I have no fucking idea how long I will be able to drive it", he answered.  
  
  
"Awesome. I mean the car, not that it's in bad shape. Such a shame we can't help you with that", Mike shook his head.  
  
  
"Oh, it's fine. I'll figure something out. I have the job interviews and will move to the next place with my bags in a few days. At least I have something to do meanwhile", Chester answered smiling.  
  
  
"Yeah. Well, we start at the same time tomorrow so... We'll see more singers that don't know the spot has been filled already. See you there then", the emcee continued and cringed at the idea. It technically wasn't cheating. It would have been rude to just cancel everything.  
  
  
An hour later Chester was yawning while he walked from his car to his friend's place. He had picked up a sandwich from a grocery store and now really just wanted to sleep. It wasn't even that late but he was absolutely exhausted. Knowing his friend was working for the night he was just happy he could go instantly to bed and hopefully not wake up when he would arrive back.  
  
  
But when he got to the door his bags were outside with a note. Frowning he picked up the note and read it, instantly cursing aloud. The girlfriend had decided she couldn't take the few days longer and now he didn't have a place to sleep. Crumbling the piece of paper he threw it towards the door, like it would help anything, picked up the bags and walked back to his car. Dumping them to the trunk he leaned against it and stopped to think. He really didn't have any other choice than to sleep in the car. It would be just a few days and he could make it. The car might have been broken, but at least it was kept pretty clean.  
  
  
So after pondering for a while, deciding he couldn't stay there he started the car and drove to the closest gas station. There he parked to the darkest corner hoping all drunks and crazy people would leave him alone. Then he went to open the trunk again and pick up a hoodie to pull on so that he wouldn't get cold during the night. Eyes scanning the parking lot he let out a heavy groan and crawled to the backseat. Making sure the lights were off and the doors were locked he picked up the sandwich and ate in silence. Shaking his head he knew there was only way up here and he really shouldn't complain. The situation was shitty, but after all, he had the car and a tiny bit of money. And the band. He had actually a band he liked. It made him smile to think that they really had all the requirements to get gigs. Hoping he would adjust to the different personalities inside the band as soon as possible he lied down and yawned. Barely getting to close his eyes and slow down the ever-flowing stream of his thoughts he fell asleep.  
  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
  
 _Cold hands on his throat, squeezing. He can barely breathe. He will pass out. He is sure. But he can't. Not now. The panic is making a whizzing sound come out from his mouth. The darkness is heavy around him, but he can spot a human figure. There, crouching in front of him. The pain on his wrists is intolerable. More than the hands on his throat. But he pulls his hands, trying to still fight. He doesn't know where he is or what is happening. This isn't him. But pain won't end to the wrist or to the throat. It's everywhere. Twisting and pulling him, from the inside. He tries to scream but the whizzing stays, turning soon to a miserable whining and crying. The only thing left in his mind is how he has to get out. He needs to get out. From the pain and the cold hands. He has to fight. But he can't move his arms. Not more than that pathetic yanking. More pain and the panic gets stronger. The cries won't help as the figure gets closer. There, he can feel the breath on his skin. And he screams. One last time he tries.  
_  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
  
Chester woke up in full blown panic. Kicking and screaming he managed to open the car door and fall on the ground. In the darkness, just the streetlights shedding pale yellow shapes he was shocked down to the core. Burying his face to his hands he wailed the tears streaming down his face. It was a dream. It was just a dream. But it was so real. Gasping desperately for air on the cold pavement he stretched his arms in front of him. And nothing. He could still feel something around his wrists but there was nothing. No marks, not even a single one. Taking in shallow raspy breaths he tried to calm himself down. But the splitting agony was also still there. Inside him, making him shudder violently. He buried his face back to his hands and kept crying. The affliction wasn't easing up and he didn't understand why. Slowly rocking himself back and forth he tried to deepen his breathing and focus to that. But the scream. It was the same again. Just more dismantling, just closer. Just more intense. More real.  _And too familiar._  
  


 

  
  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and reviews are also highly appreciated.


	4. I just laughed because what do they know?

 

\-------

 

 

"Just start from the beginning", Mike said to Chester.

  
Chester started to sing, just there, without any music. Meanwhile, Dave chatted with a previous singer, a guy that had a green mohawk and various piercings on his face and looked more like he would belong to a punk band.

  
"Yeah but you switched the lines", Mike laughed when Chester stopped singing.

  
"For fuck's sake..." the other groaned back. Two freaking lines he knew but still he switched their places.

  
"Not a big deal really."

  
"Excuse me", a guy that would be next one stepped forward catching their attention. "I won't audition. You guys are stupid if you won't choose him. So... I won't even bother to audition."

  
Mike's eyebrows raised from confusion and then he felt proud. Even that tiny moment had told an outsider that Chester was good and belonged to the band. If that wasn't a sign then nothing was.

  
"Okay", Brad answered and nodded when no one else said a thing for a long while.

  
The guy gave them a nod back and turned on his heels. The singers in the queue turned to look at each other and some exchanged words but none of them moved. Maybe they were too eager to audition, or maybe they felt like they were even better than Chester. Dave's eyes scanned through the queue looking at every single person briefly thinking about how fast it all had happened. They had searched for a new singer for a good while, but when they found Chester it was instant.

  
"Let's continue so we can get out from here at one point too", Mike waved his hand in the air when the whole room seemed to be frozen.

  
As the next singer stepped in front of them Chester slouched on the couch on the familiar spot next to Brad and Rob. And there was the feeling again. Like something cool was being poured over his skin. A weird sensation that made him shiver instantly and glance at Brad who had flinched and then focused his eyes to the wall behind the singers. Chester could see that he was trying to avoid the eye contact, forcing his eyes to stay on the white wall.

  
"You look tired?"

  
Chester thought Brad really did, but it was also his way to open the conversation. He was in the band now and he felt it was his responsibility to get to know them. Even if he ignored the weird feeling.

  
"Oh. Yeah, could be. Just nightmares", Brad shrugged.

  
_Oh. He has nightmares too. Damn, hate them,_  Chester thought thinking about the one he saw the night before.

  
"Well if you want to talk about them..." Chester answered and watched as another singer took the place of the one before him.

  
"Talk. About my nightmares?" Brad frowned.

  
This new guy made him feel constantly weird and it wasn't only the general vibe he got but also the questions. Again Chester was interested in how he was. And because of something irrelevant as the nightmares.

  
"Yeah. The ones I had are pretty heavy so I thought..."

  
Brad shifted and shook his head. "Thanks but it's okay."

  
Chester didn't really accept that because he felt it wasn't genuine. And he had no idea how he could feel Brad was lying. He thought he had never really been one of those people that read others like open books, but so he now did. It was literally a feeling. Not something he noticed in his behaviour. There he read the normal stuff. Like how Brad had been focusing his stare to the wall but was now looking at a guy in the line with a curious look on his face. Or how he had been rolling his eyes at Mike when they had settled to the room as the audition had started earlier.

  
But instead of arguing he decided he would ask a few days later again. After all, Brad didn't seem to hate his style to question him. And he was asking nicely. Then another singer started and he crossed his arms over his chest and relaxed to listen. There wasn't that many anymore to go and then they would head back to rehearse.

  
"So, that's it then. Didn't take that long than yesterday. Uhm, should we pick up some food before we go? Maybe stay a little bit longer than yesterday", Dave said when the last singer finished.

  
"Sure yeah. Where did Brad go?" Mike frowned and turned to look at the bassist.

  
"He is speaking outside with that one guy", Rob answered as he returned from the bathroom he had been in.

  
"With that one guy? You mean... Oh for fuck's sake not again", Mike groaned mostly to himself and sighed then.

  
"What's the problem?" Chester dared to ask, too interested in why Mike reacted that way.

  
"Ah, nothing. Well... damn. This is awkward. You are in the band so I don't like to hide stuff from you. But on the other hand, it's really just between me and him and his recent behaviour that has just gone worse", the other shook his head.

  
Rob stayed quiet but Dave raised his brows at Mike, and Chester wasn't sure was he agreeing or not.

  
"Him talking to a guy?"

  
"Again. And I know where it leads. That is the problem. He has been really distracted lately. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a problem", the emcee answered.

  
Chester pondered that for a while. He really didn't want to argue, when he didn't know what was going on. "He was late yesterday. And then left early from the rehearse."

  
"Yeah."

  
"So... Uhm... are you having an issue that he is gay?" the singer dared to ask.

  
"No. Absolutely no. Well, I don't even think he is gay. But anyhow, that is not the issue. He... like I said he is distracted. Even being late isn't a problem if it's occasional. But he is meeting new guys all the time and then he comes late and doesn't keep his focus on the music. I know the others don't see it as I do, but that's because I know him even better than the rest", Mike shook his head.

  
For a tiny moment, Chester had thought Mike was a homophobe but his answer seemed genuine. But he still didn't quite understand why it would matter what the guitarist did on his own time, even though he did understand that being late or leaving early from rehearsal would effect to them all as a band.

  
"Okay. I don't really know... like", Chester grimaced and shrugged.

  
"Don't worry, it's fine really. I think it is just a phase. If he wants to test these newfound sexual powers he has", Mike said and snorted like he had told a good joke, "then he is allowed to do it. I just need to talk with him again and try to get him to realize he needs to focus to us when it's time for it."

  
Chester nodded and same time they saw the guitarist returning to them, smirking.

  
"Are we ready to go?" Dave asked and Chester understood that he was most likely the one to break up the fights and so on.

  
The deejay who had stayed silent the whole time, just quietly observing, stood up and gathered his things. Mike ignored Brad, obviously trying to hide his annoyance. Rob looked at Chester like trying to apologize that it didn't go as smoothly as it could have but Dave swung an arm around his shoulders and directed outside.

  
"It's weird that we have a new person now in our group. You know, we all know each other and then suddenly someone steps in. But it doesn't mean that you don't belong. And their argument is just one tiny thing. They have known so long that Brad's behaviour changing won't break their friendship just like that. Mike needs to loosen up and Brad needs to focus. Nothing that isn't fixable", the bassist explained reassuring him.

  
"Oh, I get it. I just don't know where I belong in this. I don't want to be in the way but I also do want to help if I only can. Just... I want to know my place", Chester mumbled when they headed outside.

  
"One of us Chester. One of us. So speak if you feel like it. That's the way to get to know us too. But now, tell me would you like burger or pizza. Because we have two places we visit mostly, both near the rehearsal space. You should make the choice", Dave nodded and smiled while they waited for the rest.

  
"Fuck. To be honest I really don't have money to eat in such places. I should use it properly."

  
Dave shook his head laughing. "Nonsense. I am buying. For you, not for the rest. You can then do the same for me when you have a better situation than me."

  
Chester agreed to that happily, knowing that he would never forget such kindness, and thus also certainly pay it back. Even if he did belong as they told him, all these tiny acts of kindness made his head spin. And it made him feel more welcome too.

  
Soon they had reached the burger joint that Chester had chosen. It was a pretty small place with weird mustard yellow walls and abstract art adding even more colour here and there. The woman taking their order was over-cheery which made a great contrast to the younger male who was cleaning the tables. After pondering for quite a while between cheeseburger and bacon-cheeseburger he made his decision to leave the bacon out and turned his attention to the rest.

  
Joe was talking with Mike and both were laughing. Dave was chatting to his other ear while he concentrated on Brad talking to Rob. He didn't hear the subject but he could hear how annoyed Brad was. And mostly see. He didn't look comfortable at all. Chester frowned and swallowed the overwhelm spreading through him. Rob continued the talk but seemed to be more trying to calm Brad down and not argue with him. The guitarist didn't really even listen. He just shut down and shook his head, rejecting the words.

  
When they got the food in front of them they fell silent and stayed like that until they were finished, everyone so hungry that they wouldn't have even time to speak between the munching. The burger was delicious and he wondered would the pizza place have as good pizza, and if, when was he going to get a taste. And now he was happy and his stomach full, ready to rehearse.

  
They left the place soon as everyone was finished and headed to the rehearsal space that was literally on the other side of the road. Mike approached Chester sensing his state of mind.

  
"How do you find LA this far?" the emcee asked as he opened the door for them.

  
"Great. Still confused how bad the traffic can get but love it this far", Chester nodded and followed him in.

  
"That's good. Any luck with the apartment?"

  
"Uhm, no. Actually, my friend's girlfriend kicked me out. So, yeah. But it's okay. Only a few days sleeping in the car. The day after tomorrow I have an actual room to sleep in", the other shrugged.

  
"What? So your friend didn't do anything about it? I don't think it really is a good idea to sleep in a car. You never know. Someone can come and mug you in the middle of the night", Mike glanced at him shaking his head while they started to turn on the equipment.

  
"Oh, I know... Sure wasn't really thinking about it", Chester answered while it really sunk in. He decided he should seek at least a better place to park his car the next night. "He... Well, she is one of those girls that dictate about everything. But I get that a strange person sleeping on your living room floor for days would be annoying. But it's okay really. I'll manage."

  
"I wish I would have a place for you to sleep but I don't. But you should still tell us if you need any help. We might not have money or so, but we still know people and can ask around", Mike squeezed his shoulder.

  
Chester nodded smiling, accepting the offer. He was sure that he could get a flat soon, but first, he needed some money to pay the rent. And for that, he needed a job.

  
"First the interviews, let's see how it goes then", he said and glanced at Rob who waited for them to finish before he could give the cue.

  
Three hours later they were all exhausted, dehydrated and aggravated. Rob was the first one to notice how out of sync they were and the playing just got lazy because they couldn't keep up. Chester felt he could continue but Mike agreed with Rob that they should just stop for that day. It wouldn't lead to anywhere if they would continue like that. And they had a third long day ahead on the next day.

  
"It's good. I need to get to work anyway", Brad shrugged and placed his headphones around the guitar neck.

  
"Yeah. And your shift starts in three hours", Mike noted and Chester couldn't ignore the tone in it.

  
"Yeah. And?" Brad crossed his arms and tilted his head. Standing there like defending himself he stared at the emcee waiting for his response.

  
Dave sighed heavily and Rob decided that it was best to stay out of it. Nodding to Joe they left silently while the time seemed to stay frozen in the room. Chester looked at Dave who was staring Mike, like pleading him to not start an argument.

  
"What, Mike? Just say it", Brad huffed, his voice gruff.

  
"You can't keep doing this."

  
"Keep doing what? I said I try to be more present. Actually watch the clock so I won't be late. And so on. What more do you want?"

  
Mike sighed heavily. "It's not  _you._  I'm worried."

  
"Not me? What the fuck does that even mean?" Brad frowned and shifted.

  
"As I said I am worried. Isn't that pretty clear?"

  
"Yeah, it is. You are worried about the band. Nothing more. So give it a rest, okay?" the guitarist huffed now.

  
"Brad stop that. Please just..." Mike started but the other rolled his eyes and stepped away from them.

  
"I don't owe you any explanations. Just let me live my life", Brad answered, his voice dead and exited the space.

  
"Fucking hell..." Mike sighed shaking his head.

  
Nervously he glanced at the singer who was standing there, confused. Chester had heard the whole conversation and now Mike was worried that he had the wrong impression of him. Or them. Or that he wouldn't just understand and would pack his bags and it would all be in vain.

  
"Let me..." Chester smiled sadly to him and left to catch Brad up.

 

Outside he scanned the corridor but noticed that Brad was still just on his way out.

  
"Hey, Brad."

  
"I really don't want to have that same conversation again", Brad stopped and turned to look at him.

  
"No, I just... Uhm, I just wanted to check are you okay. I feel like he is giving you hard time only partially for a reason. I don't know what's going on, but..." Chester shrugged.

  
"It's not really your concern", the other shook his head gloomily and turned again to leave.

  
"No please, talk with me", Chester said and by instinct grabbed Brad's arm.

  
A thing that he really didn't do for strangers. And shouldn't have done now either. As his fingers touched the skin he felt a surge of sadness roll over him. For a few seconds, he didn't see in front of him, just images flashing by his eyes so quickly that he couldn't even focus on them. Gasping for air, feeling like choking, he released the grip and took a step back. Trying to draw air to his lungs he blinked. When he finally got past the worst he glanced at Brad who looked terrified.

  
"What the hell just...?" he croaked and reached his hand to touch the other again, even though he still felt the heavy sadness and pain.

  
"No, don't fucking...." Brad backed away the panic in his eyes visible and ran outside before Chester managed to say a thing.

  
Leaning against the wall he dropped slowly down on the floor, utterly confused. He still felt like he was going to suffocate even though he was sure there was plenty of air and even his hoodie wasn't too tight collared. Running his fingers along the back of his neck he tried to calm himself down.

  
"So he left?" Mike was suddenly there at the door.

  
Chester just nodded, hoping he didn't look too weird.

  
"Yeah, thought so. Sorry, you got middle of this. That's not... him. Like what he really is", the emcee sighed.

  
_Okay. Right. But what the fuck was that?_  Chester thought and glanced at the closed door.

 

 

\---------

 

 

 

 


	5. Something in here's not right today

 

\----------

 

 

Almost a week had passed and living in Los Angeles had become routine for Chester. He still wasn't used to the other guys and how he suddenly was part of a band, but going to rehearsals and working with the songs to make them better was the norm now. He had gone to job interviews and luckily one had gone really well and he was quite sure he would get the job. It wasn't particularly an exciting thing but he had to have the money. Before that, he still lived with a friend. This time he wasn't that satisfied. He tried to remind himself that he shouldn't complain. Which he really didn't, not out loud. But his choices were the car that wasn't safe and his friend's place that was so horribly dirty that he had gotten a cough that didn't seem to subside. Added to that the neighbours were so loud that his night sleep was down to a few hours almost every night. He felt also sorry that his friend had to live like that, but there was really nothing he could do to help.

  
"But I can't say it to him. Most of the dust comes from outside. He does clean. Some", Chester explained to Mike and Dave.

  
Dave had the person to him that saw when he needed some reassuring. Just really always there when he started to shut down to himself, reminding that they were a family. So even now Dave had tried to find a solution, but Chester didn't want to bother them.

  
"Better than the car", Mike gave him a look.

  
"Yeah yeah, it is. And he is such a good friend, I enjoy his company", the singer nodded and glanced at Brad who looked anxious.

  
The guitarist was sitting on the other side of the room, on the floor, as their rehearsal space did have only one small couch that fit three of them. They were about to end their break soon but Brad looked like he wanted to leave. Fiddling with the strings on his hoodie he seemed not to be able to keep his legs still as he was constantly moving them around. Chester had tried not to care. Just basically ignore Brad completely. Even if what happened between them bothered him. But he hadn't really been able to do it. Maybe he just cared too much and as he saw something was going on he couldn't let go that easily.

  
Brad had been on the rehearsals on time and Mike had calmed down. It still bothered him, it was clear to Chester, but at least they hadn't fought anymore. Not even really argued more than about the structure of the songs.

  
But there was still something that wasn't going away. And now Chester thought it was more something that had happened that led to Brad to this than something that was happening now. And he didn't understand how he felt that way and how he could even. Brad wasn't talking. He was pretending he was okay. Hiding the fact that something was wrong. It both annoyed Chester and made him sad. Because whatever it was he thought that they were friends enough that Brad could talk about it. Not maybe with him, but at least with Mike. But if the issue they had was also preventing him from doing it? Maybe he didn't want to open up if Mike's response was only to judge his choices.

  
Mike excused himself to the bathroom which gave Chester an opportunity as Dave turned to talk with Rob. Before Brad noticed he jumped up and went to sit next to him. The other side-eyed him but turned his focus back to his hands that had now returned to the other string, rolling it between the fingers and then stretching and pulling. He was clearly nervous.

  
"So about the other day", Chester started.

  
"No need to talk-" Brad started but froze there shooting his eyes at Chester who grabbed his arm. They both stared at each other. Scared that it would happen again. And relieved when it didn't. Confused too. Because Chester expected that it would happen again. That had been his plan. And now he was sure he had just imagined it. Or would have, if Brad wouldn't have stared at him like that. Chester could almost see the cold sweat glisten on Brad's forehead but there was none. Then Brad pushed his hand away rather roughly, his expression turning stern and Chester realized he couldn't continue to that direction.

  
"I could see something bothering you. Is it still Mike? He seemed to be better now. At least I think so", he changed the subject.

  
"No. He... Ignores me. Which is what it's supposed to be", Brad answered.

  
"You two are friends. Right? Friends don't ignore each other."

  
"They do when it's the best thing to do. But, that's not what I meant. I meant he let go, for now, and leaves me be. It's not done, the issue isn't, but he decided it's best to not continue arguing when he isn't going to change my behaviour either", the guitarist explained.

  
"And what's that?"

  
"Huh?" Brad turned to look at him. It confused him how Chester seemed to be reading him that well. More than he himself even did. And also in a way Chester himself didn't realize. The eyes were staring back at him genuinely. Curious and pondering.

  
"Your behaviour. That he thinks is the problem", the singer continued.

  
"That same. Me being late and leaving earlier", Brad shrugged and shifted, leaning his head on the wall. He could feel how the anxiety was trying to build up and he had to focus on diminishing it.

  
"But that's not really the issue", Chester raised his eyebrow. "But what leads to it.

  
"Maybe. He just doesn't realize that I could have more life than just the band", the other mumbled.

  
"I don't...", Chester started but Mike came back then.

  
Glancing at them, a questioning look on his face, Mike gestured that they should continue. Brad got to his feet instantly to fetch his guitar and headphones. He didn't want to continue the talk. It impressed him that Chester cared and seemed to be genuinely interested why Mike was weird towards to him, but he really didn't want to go there. To think all the reasons why. He was okay now after all.

  
And Chester shrugged it off. He had now another different feeling, but he knew perfectly well that Brad wasn't going to open up anymore. At least not here.

  
Quickly they took their places and after Rob gave the cue they picked up where they were left off. And the few hours flew by. Chester loved it. They seemed to all mould into one as they went through the few songs they had ready and then began from the start again even without anyone saying it out loud.

  
Brad had totally immersed into the music they were playing. Concentrating on what he was doing, shutting everything else out. As it really should be too. When they were finished he was sure he had played the songs as best as he could.

  
"So! What if we take Chester to bowl?" Dave suggested as they started to turn off the equipment.

  
The place they usually went to was just a few blocks away. He felt that Chester could use more time with them other just than practising. The guy had really proven he cared about the band, but to Dave, it never really was just about the band. If Chester wouldn't feel like home with them it wouldn't matter how well they all dealt with it professionally. As they were aiming to touring and maybe even making some money while doing it they wouldn't be getting anywhere if Chester would feel like left out. Especially when the rest of them had known so long before he joined them.

  
"Uhm I don't..." Chester was about to tell them he didn't really want to bother them, as he guessed what Dave was thinking. He didn't want to force it.

  
"That's an awesome idea! No one has to be nowhere just yet, right?" Mike asked and glanced at all of them.

  
To Chester's surprise, even Brad nodded. He had a shift but only later. Few hours bowling with his friends would be way better than the nap he had been planning on taking before heading to work.

  
In unison, they decided they would eat something at the bowling alley since it served some amazing toasts and maybe the best fries in town and Chester should certainly taste them.

 

As they entered the place Dave took Rob with him to fetch beer for everyone while the rest went to pick up the shoes and the lanes. Soon they were all gathered on two lanes trying to compete as teams. Rob found it very funny that the other team even thought of winning. Joe was crappy at bowling which would certainly affect their score. Picking up the ball he stuck his tongue out at Mike who said his team was going to win.

  
“Dude, you are not that good”, the emcee snorted.

  
“But I am. Don’t know about Ches but Brad is pretty good too”, Rob said confidently.

  
“Sure I am”, Chester picked up a ball too even if it wasn’t his turn. He was slightly nervous but he knew it was just a game and he really didn’t have to prove himself.

  
“But we got Dave”, Mike nodded.

  
“Thanks”, Joe rolled his eyes causing them all to laugh. He sure tried to play well, but he wasn't just going to deny that he was bad either.

  
And so it seemed that Rob was as good as he said he was. Brad was trying hard but he was too distracted. Chester noticed it right away, but he was certainly also on better mood than in the rehearsal space. The guitarist joked around and smiled and soon Chester sighed in relief feeling like something heavy fell from his chest. Whatever it was it was sure Brad was handling it on his own way. That might not have been a good thing but Chester didn’t even know what the issue was so he didn’t want to start the questions. Especially not now when Brad was obviously having a good time. It could wait.

  
After several beers, lots of laughter Rob let Mike’s team win. He was pretty much the only scoring after all in his team. Mike thought they really did win and Rob just let him have it. It was too fun to watch as the emcee bragged about it and Rob kept rolling his eyes. And then obviously Mike just thought Rob was a sore loser, which made it even funnier to the rest of them.

  
"So are we starting same time tomorrow?" Dave asked as they exited the building, the bubbly laughter still on their lips.

  
Chester shrugged. It was fine for him. He was still waiting for the call from the workplace and only after that he would have to think about fitting the shifts and practising on the same day. And sleep, because without sleep he would go crazy. Rest could wait.

 

Mike didn't even bother to answer. They all knew that he would be the first there anyway.

  
"Fine for me", Rob answered and to that Joe nodded too.

  
"Yeah", Brad said then too, already anxious to leave. He had a certain limit in hours he could deal with the company of the others. When that limit was reached he needed to recharge himself before he could face another day. With Mike behaving towards him as he had for the past weeks he reached his limit quicker.

  
They parted their ways as everyone headed to their own directions. Mike's plan was to write lyrics to a song he had been working on for a few days and as the ideas were swirling in his head he wanted to get home as fast as possible.

  
Chester prepared himself mentally to the traffic again and closed the car door behind him. On a way he would pick up something for dinner, knowing his friend wouldn't be able to offer it for him. The guy had money for his own food and that was it. Which was fine for Chester. He didn't even want people to provide the food for him. He had to get on his own feet. And if that meant that he would eat crappy stuff for some time then he would deal with it. He knew it wasn't forever. Even if the band wouldn't make an album, even if they wouldn't get proper money from touring, he had decided this was what he wanted to do. All the other stuff, all other jobs he would be doing weren't going to be permanent. Just something to make money to get to food and pay for the living. Not a passion like singing. So even if this wouldn't work out he would stay and then figure something out.

 

"How did it go?" his friend, Rick, greeted him when he walked inside the apartment. The guy had just washed some dishes and was now drying his hands to a towel. Looking at Chester, who seemed tired but content he tossed the towel to the table.

  
"Well. The guys are amazing. We went to bowling after the rehearsal", Chester nodded and picked up his sandwich. He was sleeping on the living room floor and Rick had been nice enough to make the bed for him.

  
"Really? That's cool. So how about the other singer. You said he was fighting with someone?"

  
"Emcee. Better. I think. They have been friends so long that I don't assume that it was resolved like this. Too quick really. And it really was way too... I don't know. Like it's something so deep that it won't go away with just yelling and sorts. But they didn't argue at all today and Mike, the emcee, didn't give any snark remarks", Chester explained and started to eat his ham sandwich.

  
"At all? It sounded like something was really off", Rick said and grabbed his coffee cup.

  
It always amazed Chester how people could drink coffee that late. It was already ten and he usually drank his last coffee a few hours earlier. And he absolutely loved coffee.

  
"There is. I keep getting this weird vibe from Brad but I don't know why. And I am not saying either of them is wrong or something. I have no idea what is going on. But I want to find out. Brad said before that he thinks Mike just cares about the band, which, I don't think is true. But, there is still some truth behind it. Imagine us starting a tour and then the thing, whatever it is, starting to really bother him. Or Mike. Like them constantly arguing. So, rather sort it out now", the singer explained his thoughts and sat on the mattress that was his bed for the time being.

  
"And, what's your plan?" Rick said sipping his coffee that was already getting cold.

  
"How do you assume I have one", Chester snorted. He really had no idea.

  
"Talk to Mike?"

  
"Nah. I already talked to him and he pretty much explained the problem. But... It's too vague", Chester sighed, pushed the last piece of the dry bread to his mouth and let Rick take the empty sandwich wrapper from him.

  
"And… You think it’s not enough?” Rick raised his eyebrow and tossed the wrapper to the trash bin. “Maybe talk with some of the other guys?”

  
Chester thought about that for a second. And then longer as he realised it wasn’t a bad idea. But then he wondered was it really his place. It felt like prying. Even if Dave had said he belonged in the band he didn’t really know them. And to get to know them he would just need more time. It wasn’t instant.

  
“Maybe I could. But… Imagine you being one of them and me coming asking you about two of your friends fighting. Doesn’t sound that nice. Right?” Chester shook his head.

  
“Or think about it this way. There is a new person in a group and right from the start he notices that something is wrong. He is interested and wants to know how he can help to make it right”, Rick offered.

  
“When you put it that way…”

  
“It’s always the point of view Chester. Sadly, I don't know do they react like that, but if you want to help you can’t think how will they react. Sometimes you get all the hate and then later they thank you when they realise you were the one that made them think more and act. You get what I mean? Sometimes they need the new person to tell what is wrong. When you are inside the bubble you don’t always see what happens there. It’s just the one shade there”, the other explained.

  
Chester nodded smiling slightly. He was really lucky to have such friends. The band, but Rick too.

  
“See you tomorrow then”, the other said like searching for his approval.

  
“Yeah, you’ll be gone when I wake up but later then”, Chester said. Another thing he found odd in Rick was his fickle mind. First, he was social and then suddenly he wanted to go and be alone. The only television the apartment had was the tiny one in Rick’s room. Chester knew he watched programs late at night as he could see the faint light on the floor. He assumed it was one way for Rick to escape the reality as he watched the dust particles settle to where Rick had just stood.

  
After brushing his teeth and drinking a glass of water he turned off the ceiling lamp and fumbling forward found the mattress rather quickly. Thinking about how he would approach the problem, and yet still was it really his business he fell asleep.

  
_It’s so dark. He could barely see in front of him. But he could hear the breathing. That same breathing again. But now it was the coldness that was bothering him. He shivered and tried to wrap his arms around himself. But he couldn’t. His arms were numb and the squeeze on his wrists told that they were tied. But he couldn’t understand anything. He was there but he really wasn’t. There was a room, but he wasn’t there. It was not him. He let out a voice, that was something between a croak and a whisper and it wasn’t him either. And then the hands were on him again and he remembered. The hands were so cold. Just like the last time. Clawing his skin, like wanting to tear his flesh apart. He said words. But it wasn’t him, nor his words. But somehow the words were still there. And then something was put over his mouth and the words changed to muffled screams. But the hands weren’t stopping. It was hurting. And he was hurting even though it really wasn’t him there._

 

\------------


	6. It traps me inside mistakes I've made

\-----------

 

"So you like it there? Or is it just something you are doing now before you manage to find a better?" Dave asked gulping down his milkshake.

 

Chester did really get the job. And he did like it, to the point he wasn't thinking about searching for another. After working there for few weeks he had learned most of the manners and could say that waking up to do an early shift might have not been his favourite thing, but at least he got money that he could save.

 

"Yeah, I do. Still, stuff to learn and I am clumsy. Yesterday I broke a coffee cup that I was handing over to a customer. No idea how. They should be pretty durable. But my boss is nice and even though she said I should try to be more careful she only laughed when I told about the coffee cup. Luckily the customer didn't get the hot coffee on his clothes", Chester rolled his eyes.

 

"I think we all knew you would be the clumsy one", Dave laughed and shook his head, "in no time some rich kid will sue you if you keep messing up."

 

"Oh right, LA", the other cringed, "well, at least I have some money now."

 

"Still no luck with the apartment?"

 

"Nuh. But it's fine. I just hope my friends don't get sick of me staying at their place."

 

Since then he had slept in his car for some days and then again went to back to stay with a friend. The one he was sleeping today was the same one who's girlfriend was absolutely lunatic, kicking him out the last time. The girl wasn't there now, so his friend was more than happy to let him stay for a few nights.

 

"I highly doubt that. You are kind and caring and clean up your mess", Dave smiled pointing at the hamburger wrappers that Chester was just piling on the tray.

 

"Sure, but when a stranger is at your own place, it's weird. Even if it was your best friend and it's only temporary. Most of my friends are used to living alone or with their significant other. When you add someone to it's no wonder it's awkward", Chester pointed out as they left the burger place.

 

"True. But soon you will get a flat and you don't have to worry about that anymore."

 

"Yeah. And at least I had now some money to fix the lights on the car. No fear of getting pulled over because of that."

 

"Well I will keep my fingers crossed for the flat", Dave nodded smiling.

 

They even had managed to book a few gigs. Mike had been rather persuasive which had paid off. The club owner said it was hilarious how badly they wanted to play there since it really wasn't that nice place and it was rather likely the few people watching them would be awfully drunk, which would lead the people just to forget they saw a band in the first place. But they had to start somewhere and that was one place to start. The other show would be in the same place but week after. Now they had full two weeks to practice which they really didn't even need at that point as they had learned the songs. Mike said he could probably rap his verses from back to front which had led to Brad challenging him to actually do it. After bantering for a great while Mike had said he still could but he wasn't in the mood right then. Brad took that as a win, but it was okay as they were talking and having fun, which Chester had watched with great joy.

 

That was what Brad had really been. Bantering, laughing and then playing his guitar. But it was everything he was. Chester could see it was just a shell. Whatever there was wasn't subsiding, not even how hard Brad seemed to fight it. He looked fine. Absolutely like he was living normally. But Chester felt it. It was there always, lingering. The oddest thing to him was the looks Brad gave him. Like he could sense that Chester knew something was wrong, despite Chester not saying it out loud. He had pondered why it bothered him so much. Why he felt it so deeply.

 

The nightmares had continued. Not every night, not even every week. Which for him made it even worse when he couldn't know when the next time would be. When he had been a kid and he had nightmares his father had told him that nightmares were always your subconscious trying to tell something, but not in a clear way. So when he saw his teeth getting pulled out in a dream his father told it could be that he was afraid of the dentist, but because the subconscious did weird stuff it could also be that he was trying to tell that he was afraid of losing someone, or something else.

 

Chester had never really quite understood the logic there but now he had started to ponder that maybe it really was how it worked. Not that he still understood why, but he realized there must be some reason why he saw those weird dreams. Especially when they were so creepy and specific always. Always the same atmosphere that made him shiver and gasp his breath when he woke up. Now, as the nightmares had the same theme, he managed to calm himself down quicker, and also forget the dream later. It had become that one annoying visitor that came at unexpected times and always stayed just long enough to make him anxious.

 

"Brad hasn't still arrived", Mike huffed when they entered the rehearsal space. Chester could instantly see how mad he was. But as he glanced at the clock he realized that Brad was late over an hour. Not just his normal few minutes. It had been a long time since he had been this late but apparently, it didn't make any difference to Mike.

 

"He'll be here in any minute", Rob mumbled in the corner. He hated the fighting but he could see that Mike was beyond that certain line. There was no stopping him now and when Brad would get there he would get an earful.

 

Dave glanced at Chester who frowned at Mike, looking uncomfortable. They had just popped to eat while Mike and Rob stayed behind. Joe wasn't there today, but he had told it the last time so it wasn't an issue. Brad being late was. Of course, it annoyed them all, but Mike took it heaviest. He couldn't understand why it was so hard for Brad to be punctual. Because he had been. Before he was never late. In fact, he was the one who was there first, often even before Mike.

 

"Well he better", Mike grumbled and sat down crossing his arms over his chest.

 

"Mike, don't you think that's a little excessive?" Dave tried a softer approach.

 

Mike turned to look at him, clearly just winding himself up. "No. Don't you think his behaviour is a little excessive?"

 

"It's just... a phase? Or something", Rob raised his eyebrow.

 

"Well, then the phase needs to end. It's not right that we wait for him always."

 

Chester wondered what he should say, but he didn't get a chance to do it as Brad just walked in. He sensed right away that something was off, but he still didn't seem to realize what.

 

"Seriously? You're almost an hour and a half late and you don't even apologize? What's wrong with you?!" Mike stood up so abruptly that he almost fell back on his ass.

 

Holding his breath Chester glanced at Brad. At the same time, Brad seemed like he didn't care and that the words hurt him. His walls were up but Chester could feel how he was crumbling down from inside.

 

"I don't..." Brad started defensively but Mike shook his head.

 

"I really don't give a shit. We are trying to achieve something here. This is your band too. Imagine how it makes us feel when you don't care about it. How about Chester? Huh?"

 

"Mike", Chester took a step but the other shook his head.

 

_Damn. I really don't want them to pull me into the fight. He looks horrible and how doesn't Mike even see it?_  Chester thought looking at Brad who seemed to be holding on to the last remains of his pride and not starting to cry.

 

"He moved here just to be in our band. How do you think it makes you look in his eyes when you don't care enough to be even present on time?" Mike shook his head judging.

 

"Okay, I am leaving. I don't need to..." Brad breathed and took a step back.

 

"No, you really need to hear this!" Mike exclaimed but Dave grabbed his arm.

 

" _We_  are leaving now. There is no way this rehearsal is going anywhere like this. And I won't let you just continue yelling either", the bassist said staring him straight to his eyes.

 

Mike groaned but let Dave pull him with him anyway. Rob shook his head sadly but followed them then.

 

"Well it's not like we would practice without them", Brad rolled his eyes when Chester stood there, staring him.

 

"Right... uhm..." the singer mumbled not sure should he stay or leave. Brad obviously wanted him to leave but the weird feeling squeezing his heart wasn't subsiding.

 

"Just go", the other groaned barely audibly and turned his back on him.

 

Chester glanced him once more and left then. There was no point in him just staying there and staring at Brad when the other wasn't responding properly. Sighing heavily he walked to his car and decided he would go pick up something to eat before heading back to his friend's.

 

When he returned from the shop he realized he still had the keys to the rehearsal space as Mike had given them to him earlier when they went to eat with Dave. It shouldn't be a problem as the door locked when you closed it. But now he was the one that would get yelled at if he wouldn't be early the next day. At least that he thought since it had ended so badly with Mike and Brad. He felt bad for the guitarist. It was like he instinctively took his side, even though it clearly was Brad who was late and thus causing the problems. Mike's approach could have been different but he had every right to be mad still. But Chester felt horrible. That same squeeze around his heart still.

 

"Hey. Whoa, you look like shit", his friend said and laughed then when he opened the door for Chester.

 

"Just some fighting. It's fine."

 

"Okay. There's some coffee if you want. I'll head to the shower."

 

Chester nodded and went to fill a cup with the black nectar. It was late for coffee, but he had never had issues with the caffeine affecting his sleeping. Then he sat on the couch and grabbed the sandwich he had bought from the grocery store.

 

Leaning against the backrest he listened to the shower and focused then into his sandwich and coffee. He hoped that the next day if only Brad would arrive which he highly doubted, the atmosphere would be calmer. Maybe Brad needed some time to sort his thing out and Mike yelling at him was in vain anyway.

 

“What the hell are you doing here again?!” the door opened as he just gulped the last drops of coffee and his friend’s girlfriend stepped inside.

 

“Uhm….”

 

“Where is he?” the girl huffed.

 

“Shower.”

 

“Awesome. You are not staying”, the girl raised his eyebrow and glanced towards his bag, gesturing he should pack up his things.

 

_For fuck’s sake. What next…_  Chester thought and went to wash his coffee cup. Just not to piss off the girl of more.

 

“What… You were supposed to be away longer? It isn’t Thursday yet?” Chester’s friend stumbled into the room, dripping wet. Obviously, he had heard the shrill voice of the girl.

 

“Yeah, well this is my home too so I really don’t think you have any say in how long I should stay on my holiday. He on the other hand… Why? I told you he isn’t allowed here!”

 

Chester cringed at the voice and started to pack his bag. Even if his friend would persuade his girlfriend he really didn’t want to stay in that atmosphere. Once again it was just way better to leave while he still could do it in somewhat peace.

 

“Sorry dude”, the guy sighed at him when he picked the bag up and headed towards the door.

 

“It’s okay. I get it”, Chester answered with an apologetic smile on his face and glanced at both of them. “See you.”

 

Once back in the car he groaned deeply and rest his forehead against the steering wheel.  _Night in the car it is then._  But when he started to fish the car keys out from his pocket his finger caught the other key. Technically they weren’t allowed to stay in the rehearsal space that late but if he would be quiet no one would even know he was there. He knew that it was just a general rule so the bands renting the space wouldn't play there at nighttime. Thinking about that choice maybe five seconds he started the car and headed back there. The old couch would be way better than the car seat anyway. And safer, he had to remind himself about Mike's words.

 

When he finally parked the car on the street he felt exhausted. Even if he hadn't really participated in the fighting, but being in the middle of it was tiresome. He knew Mike didn't mean to make him feel bad, it was just a way for him to make the point. And he wasn't even mad. Just needed rest and hoped that the next day would be peaceful.

 

But as he opened the door to the rehearsal space he was met with the feeling he wasn't alone. It was so dark that he couldn't see a thing, but his senses heightened when he tried to listen and find the light switch.

 

"Please don't", Brad's voice said from somewhere in the room.

 

"Oh. Uhm... I didn't know you are here."

 

"Neither did I. Just don't turn on the light. It's too bright", the other mumbled.

 

"Do you... I got kicked out again. I was sleeping at a friend's place and his girlfriend.. nevermind. I thought I could sleep here. But I can sleep in the car if you want", Chester suggested. Something was off and again that familiar, yet cold and hostile feeling was there.

 

"Ah, it's fine. Not going to sleep anyway", Brad sighed.

 

Chester frowned in the darkness but something was pulling him in and instead of going to the couch he approached Brad. His eyes had barely got used to the dark room but he could see Brad's figure sitting on the other side of the room.

 

Sitting next to him he moved slowly, like trying to feel Brad's mood and how he would react. Brad had his walls up again and Chester knew that whatever he tried it would be really hard to get a proper response. So instead of even trying to dive into the issue that seemed to be floating in the room like a thick fog, he started the conversation elsewhere.

 

"So the song... Esaul. It needs a new name. And I think we could also try to record some. Aren't we ready for it?" he said, trying to keep his voice as carefree as possible.

 

"I agree with that", Brad answered but Chester noticed that he really had to pull it out from himself. Like he was exhausted too, not really wanting to have the conversation.

 

"Maybe next week then? I think Mike can agree with the idea too."

 

"Sounds possible."

 

"Good. So... why are you still here?"

 

"I just... didn't want to go home so I stayed. Played and..." Brad sighed.

 

"And sat here in the darkness?" Chester chuckled lightly, still trying to keep the conversation not too serious.

 

Brad snorted back at him, but then as Chester touched his shoulder they both froze. The same gnawing sadness like last time, like a heavy blanket, immersed Chester. Flashing images, but yet again he couldn't focus on any one of them individually. More just like shapes and colours running through his vision. But the emotions were there. Unbearable sadness and pain. And the fear. So much fear that he gasped for air and shifted away. Wiping the tears from his eyes in the darkness he listened to Brad swallowing thickly again and again.

 

 

"How..." he started but then he realized Brad was panicking and probably would bolt in any second, "Please don't run! I don't know what that was but I... God. You must have felt it too?"

 

 

Brad tensed next to him and let out a pathetic sob.  _He certainly had felt it,_  Chester thought.

 

 

"Fuck... I don't...", the singer sighed. He had no idea what to do. Now Brad was certainly just trying to avoid the full breakdown and his instinct told him to hug the other and try to comfort, but if the thing would happen again it could only make it worse.

 

 

"Okay. I'm going to..." he murmured not able to just not to do anything and reached to touch the other again.

 

 

"No, don't!" Brad cried out and dodged the hand, backing against the wall.

 

 

Chester stayed still listening to the panicked breaths from few feet away from him. He was so overwhelmed that he wanted to just leave and try to calm himself down elsewhere and gather his thoughts. But Brad's breathing was erratic and only getting worse so he shook his head and leapt next to the other. Before Brad managed to get away again he pulled him into his arms and hugged tightly. The heavy sadness and panic lingered still there, but nothing more happened. After some seconds Brad let out a shaky breath, still not comprehending what was going on.

 

 

"Fuck..." he swallowed thickly and Chester could feel the tears dropping on his neck.

 

 

Chester stayed silent just listening to the other. The breaths and sobs while Brad shivered, trying to collect himself. There was nothing he could do than just to stay and listen. Still, he could remember the fear and pain, he had just felt, hoping it wouldn't come back. And that it wasn't what Brad was feeling now too.

 

 

 

 

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	7. Confusing what is real

 

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Chester didn't sleep that night. After rather agonizing while Brad had fallen asleep and Chester had managed to relax. The other was breathing finally calmly against his chest and he sighed in relief. There was no question that something was going on, but Chester couldn't know what.

 

When the morning came he, however, woke up alone and realized Brad had needed only that small amount of time for him to fall asleep to disappear. The rehearsal space was empty. Yawning he got up and wandered to the tiny fridge they had there. The thing was ages old and probably not even cold enough to safely store food, but there were few cans of Coca Cola and that was exactly what his tired brains needed. Grabbing a can he went to open the door so the first person who would come in wouldn't need to knock.

 

And when the others arrived an hour later Brad appeared from somewhere too. He ignored Chester now completely, which wasn't a surprise to him in any way. They couldn't have talked there, either way, so he was fine to wait until they were alone. But Brad ignored the others too. Even when Mike clearly tried to argue with him, annoyed by his behaviour he just shrugged it off. Maybe he was just tired, but it weirded Chester out.

 

"I was thinking... A night out?" Dave asked when the day was finally done. He sensed the atmosphere was tense and they were all working hard with their jobs and studies and could really need it.

 

"Could be fun", Mike shrugged. The next day another band would use the rehearsal space, and thus they were forced to keep a day off. Which was totally fine, and also something they all agreed. And after all, they couldn't rehearse every single day. Mike said his brains needed the day off too but the others knew his brains never shut off. And Chester had gotten a shift perfectly for the day off, meaning he now had the night free. Even if he hadn't worked that long there he was glad that his boss was so understanding. She had probably seen many band members trying to balance rehearsing and working and fitting sleeping somewhere there, and still, she wasn't tired to help and make adjustments.

 

By instinct, Chester waited for the others to answer before him and when the last yes came from Brad he agreed with a smile. Drinks with the others had been nice last time too and back then he wasn't yet so sure about his position in the band. But as Dave constantly reminded him that he was part of the family now, he wanted to try to also act that way. It wasn't the easiest task to forget all the uncertainties when you get to know new people but in his opinion, he was doing quite well. But now he needed to wait longer with his talk with Brad. It could wait. Especially when he sensed Brad didn't want to talk about it at all.

 

He followed the others outside while Mike kept going on with the ideas he had. Chester had to admire the ambition the other had. He was surely passionate too, but Mike had all these thoughts about how to make songs and lyrics that seemed just crazy to him. But then he remembered that it had been crazy to him to fit rap and singing in a song at first place and it had been still awesome. Mike made it that way, so he could see how he could also make the ideas he had now to work.

 

The bar they chose was crowded, but that was the only negative in it. At least it wasn't a fancy one, nor too expensive. Chester had always hated the places that had only crazy expensive drinks and no places to sit. He fished his wallet out and waited for the others to stop talking and focus to the bartender that stared at them with amusement written all over her face.

 

"Sorry. He tends to get excited", Chester apologized when Mike just kept babbling and didn't even seem to notice that the woman was waiting for their order.

 

"It's fine. I am used to it. What would you like to have, darling?"

 

"Just uhm... Corona", Chester nodded knowing he could afford few beers. Even if he had a job now, he still tried to save some money. Nothing was ever certain and if he would keep breaking the coffee cups he could get fired. The thought made him laugh inwardly.

 

The woman nodded and Chester turned to poke Mike who still kept talking.

 

"What? Oh", the other laughed when he realized what was happening.

 

"And you with the beer always", Dave laughed when the Corona was handed to Chester and the woman turned his eyes to the bassist.

 

Dave ended up ordering beer too, while Mike and Rob went with the rum and coke. Brad had his coke with whiskey and Chester's mouth watered instantly when he thought how good it tasted, knowing he would order same on the next round after all, instead of the beer.

 

When they settled down and Mike finally stopped his babbling Chester sipped his beer and opened his mouth, "We talked with Brad... Could we record some? I think we are ready. Right?"

 

"Most definitely", Mike got excited again and Chester had to roll his eyes with amusement.

 

Dave nodded enthusiastically, "It's about time already."

 

"I'll make the arrangements. Maybe next week then? Chester, what is your work schedule?"

 

"I'm not positive but I think I have Wednesday off", the singer said.

 

"You work every day except Wednesday?" Rob glanced at his eyes wide with amazement.

 

Brad shook his head next to Rob. He worked a lot too, but his work, to his opinion, wasn't as hard as Chester's.

 

"Well... Yeah. I need to pay the bills and try to save for an apartment", he laughed. Then he realized he didn't have a place to sleep for that night.

 

"I don't get how you do it. Rehearsing and working... Even school and rehearsing is exhausting", Rob shook his head.

 

"I know. But it won't be forever. At least so I assume. And besides, I like my job. I rather do that than sit in an office and just flip papers all day long. And then I get to see you guys and do what I love", Chester smiled.

 

"And your boss isn't a douche", Mike noted remembering Dave's experience when he got yelled on a daily basis even if he really didn't even do anything wrong.

 

"Yeah. So I can take it."

 

"At least now. We'll see about that next year", Rob snorted, swiping the condensation on the glass with his finger.

 

"Yeah yeah... Then I will figure something else out. Besides, maybe we are then somewhere else", Chester said. He didn't want to have his hopes up but he really did believe they were onto something. With the songs they had they were already set, but then there was the fire burning, making them want more. And without that, no band could ever be something.

 

"A year?" Dave grimaced.

 

"You know I was just joking", Chester glanced at him, rolling his eyes.

 

"I did. But don't say that out loud to Mike."

 

Mike let out a laughter. "Year is a really short time. But... we kinda are already halfway."

 

"See?" Dave noted at Chester making the other laugh too.

 

"Halfway to where?" Rob frowned, not really following.

 

"I don't know. Where do we want to be?" Mike asked all of them, seriously, and sipped his drink.

 

They all fell silent thinking about it. It wasn't something they had discussed yet in-depth and they were partially scared that they all had different views where they want the band to be. Because on top of the obvious, playing their music, they had to make a living too. And dreams didn't pay bills.

 

"Stadium", Chester said suddenly.

 

Rob almost snorted the drink from his nose from Chester face stayed serious, "I would appreciate better jokes in this situation."

 

"Dude. He asked where do we want to be. I answered where do I want to be", the singer shrugged.

 

"Yeah but... Realistic?" Rob grimaced.

 

"You should have a little faith on us, you know", Mike poked Rob, knowing Rob was just hesitant, maybe even scared.

 

"I do. But that does sound crazy", the other answered honestly and shrugged. It's not that he thought it was stupid, just taking into consideration how fresh they were now with Chester it seemed rather overly optimistic.

 

"So what's yours then?" Dave asked the drummer.

 

"A tour. A proper tour. I don't mind small venues, but I would like to see us on the road", Rob nodded smiling. Thinking about all that, even the problems like bus breaking down, hot summer and no air conditioning, rude main acts, no one wanting to see them, made him smile. He wanted to see all that.

 

"An album. A proper album. Well produced", Mike said then.

 

"I don't think any of these are too far-fetched", Dave shrugged sipping his beer.

 

"Probably not. We just need to work hard. I believe in the music, but will people like it is another thing", Chester noted and suddenly realized Brad was gone. He had disappeared so quietly that none of them noticed.

 

"I need to take a leak", Mike got to his feet and Chester decided to go with him and see where the guitarist was.

 

Rob and Dave continued their talk, Dave convinced that it wouldn't be too long for them to get the album done. Rob said they would need the money first and Chester couldn't stop smiling at their banter.

 

Chester followed Mike making a mental note where they sat so he would find his way back too in the sea of people. The place was so full that people stood where ever they could and he was surprised they even had found a place to sit. When they got to the corridor that had the toilets they both froze. Chester wasn't even that surprised to see Brad kissing some stranger. He had already gotten used to the promiscuous habits of the guitarist. A guy that had brown hair curling under his ears was pressing his body against Brad's hands squeezing his waist.

 

Mike glanced at Chester and sighed then, "That's... yeah. I will go before I get mad again."

 

The other nodded and watched as Mike disappeared inside the toilet. He himself pondered what he should do. It shouldn't be a problem what Brad did. But he felt that it was. It was chewing him from inside. But how could he ever explain such a thing?

 

When the guitarist opened his mouth to a silent moan as the guy went to kiss his neck Chester took a step forward and cleared his throat, "Can I have a word?"

 

The guy was startled and pulled away but Brad frowned. Then he rolled his eyes and glanced at the guy, "I'll talk with him for a while", knowing that they wouldn't see again. Which was totally fine for him. Just one guy amongst others.

 

"So, you disappeared and we wondered where you are", Chester started, his voice stretched when the guy had disappeared.

 

"Yeah, maybe I should have said something", Brad shrugged.

 

"Last night..." Chester said then, waiting for Brad to catch up and continue from there. But nothing came. The other stayed silent, staring at him.

 

"Dude, I saw something. When I touch you. I see these... glimpses. Like clusters of images. More just shapes in different iridescent colours. I don't... I have no idea what that is. But the feeling...", Chester stopped when the memory washed over him, squeezing his heart.

 

Brad still just stared at him. Chester saw the shadow in his eyes, but he still needed a proper reaction. He didn't imagine it. It couldn't be possible. But, even though he knew something was wrong Brad hadn't really yet confirmed that he could see what Chester did.

 

"Fucking hell. You get that too. I don't know do you see what I do, but you must at least feel it. Some of it."

 

Still nothing. Except for the shift, when Brad moved the weight from another foot to another. He had to poke deeper.

 

"You're not okay. I can feel there is something bothering you. And since Mike is constantly being pissy about your behaviour I assume they are connected to each other", Chester raised his eyebrow.

 

And there was what he needed. Brad let out a little huff like he was about to blurt something and stopped then. Chester had already crossed the line, being too nosey, but he wasn't stopping now. It wasn't his problem really, but he was worried and his friend's words were echoing in his mind.

 

"You know what? Fuck you. I am fine."

 

It was like a punch on Chester's stomach and he knew now that he was on right track.

 

"I know you think that way, but it's not...

 

"No. I really  _am_  fine", the other said and stepped in front of the singer.

 

Chester couldn't help but answer with the same vehemence. Brad might seem fine but he was clearly crumbling, and every word Chester said only made it more certain. He knew it. He saw past the words and the cold stare.

 

"Cut the bullshit. I have seen... No, I take that back. I have said that. I have said that so many times, and not meant it. So I do not buy it."

 

Maybe harsh, but he had to do it. Brad gasped obviously mad now and shook then his head in disbelief.

 

"What that exactly then is? Huh? You just joined us. You have no fucking idea. You are the new guy, don't pretend to be anything else."

 

The way he said it was wrong. He instantly noticed how Chester's expression turned sour. He didn't mean it like that. He only meant that because Chester hadn't been there he couldn't know. The connection thing they had he just didn't want to believe. It must be pure coincidence. That Chester just read into things, especially when Mike behaved as he did. Chester didn't actually know what had happened. He couldn't. No one did.

 

“You did that on purpose”, Chester said. He wasn’t going to let Brad make him feel bad. It was so clear that Brad was an amazing person and he didn’t mean to say that.

 

“You started”, Brad noted not wanting to back down.

 

“Listen”, Chester stepped closer, “something is off and I can feel it. You can continue with the act but it really won’t change a thing. You will keep digging your hole until it will all cave on you. And then it’s too late for you to get out. So I am trying to help here. I know what it is when people seem to just look through you. They know you are there but they don’t  _really_  see you. I don’t want anyone to feel that way if I can only prevent it.”

 

“But I said I am…” Brad started, still fuming but Chester grabbed his arm and pushed him against the wall.

 

But Chester didn’t even manage to continue the talk when he was again immersed with the now already too familiar feeling. Like static, it webbed through him. But he was also prepared and was now able to focus on it. Even though the sorrow and fear were filling his heart and Brad yanked his arm his hold kept. He tried to keep up with the images but they changed so fast that he couldn't keep up. Finally, Brad was able to pull his hand off of his grip, gasping for air.

 

Chester stared at him, refusing to leave. Brad was clearly overwhelmed, trying to figure out what to say. Swallowing thickly the guitarist took a step away from Chester. He looked scared and Chester didn't know was it because what he had seen. If Brad saw what he saw too, maybe he knew what the images were.

 

Brad shifted, getting ready to leave but Chester shook his head, "Don't dare to deny that. You felt it. Just as clearly as I did."

 

The other grew mad again, squaring his jaw. He was about to deny it, Chester knew it, despite what he had said. But he wasn't done. He couldn't back down when he finally was sure he wasn't just imagining it all.

 

"Stop", Brad growled when he tried to go past the singer who blocked his way.

 

Chester was about to answer but Brad grabbed him by his arms. The singer frowned and pushed him. Not too hard, just to make a point. He was mad and Brad just trying to run was only making it worse. But then the slap came. For a second he thought that Brad had actually slapped him but when the other looked like he was mirroring his confusion and pain, he realized it didn't happen. Not really. Not there. But he could feel the sting in his cheek and the tears burning in his eyes. Brad had his hand over his mouth, still staring at Chester in disbelief. Shocked and utterly overwhelmed.

 

"You... Need to talk", Chester finally gasped, wondering what the hell was going on.

 

Brad wiped his eyes quickly and shook his head, "Can't."

 

And then the guitarist pushed passed him and disappeared to the cool night air and he was left with the confusion and stinging cheek from a slap that didn't happen. The reality, the people talking and the music blasting surrounded him and he leaned against the wall rubbing his neck.

 

_I need to do something,_ Chester thought, but what that something was, he didn't know.

 

 

\-----------

 


	8. Exposing secrets that you've disguised

 

 

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Many weeks had passed. Chester wasn't quite sure how long it had even been. They had gotten to the studio and made an EP. It had gone really well, and they all were equally satisfied. In fact it had gone so well that they had managed to book a few more gigs and Mike was ecstatic about it.

 

Chester didn't even feel that strange anymore. Of course, the city felt still new, but the guys not. It was like he had always been there. Dave kept being the one that always noticed if he was quiet for a while, making then sure he was feeling good. Dave didn't want that Chester would think that because he was the new guy his ideas didn't matter. And Chester thought he couldn't have had more luck with finding a band that felt like a family.

 

The only luck he didn't have was with Brad and the apartment. Sleeping in the car was getting tiresome, but he didn't have any other choice. Occasionally he got to sleep at someone's place but he had started to feel his friends were getting annoyed of him. And the only apartments that were available were too expensive for him.

 

And Brad. They hadn't talked. Not even really communicated. Brad seemed to ignore him completely and avoided all situations they were alone. Even when they were in the same room with the others the guitarist made sure he sat away from him. Chester knew Brad felt what he felt too. Or saw, he didn't quite still understand what it was. And he himself was on the edge. Part of him wanted to push and force the answer out of Brad, but part of him wanted to forget the whole thing. It wasn't just that something was up, but the way Brad behaved was too familiar. Just like he had done in his past when he had tried to forget what was happening. Even now he noticed how Brad had stared at the wall on the opposite side of the room for a while, completely forgotten in his thoughts. And then he awoke, realizing where he was and in sensing that Chester was staring avoided eye contact for the rest of the song.

 

"I think we are ready", Dave nodded smiling when the song was done, placing his bass down.

 

Mike laughed shaking his head. If they would follow his desire they would be there for the rest of the night, but no amount of work would make him satisfied. Which was also what pushed them all forward. Even though Dave had needed to remind him from time to time that he didn't need to be as harsh to himself as he was. Even if they had a real aim with the band, the most important thing was to make music and have fun.

 

"I have work tomorrow, so I'll see you all at the venue", Chester let out a sigh. Not that he felt that they needed to rehearse more, but the idea that they were rehearsing without him was weird.

 

"I think we are not going to rehearse", Mike glanced at the others making sure they were on the same page.

 

"Yeah, we're ready", Rob nodded playing with a drumstick.

 

"Great", Chester smiled satisfied with the situation. Now he didn't need to stress over that.

 

"Where are you sleeping tonight?" Dave asked then, as they were turning the equipment off.

 

"My car", Chester grimaced.

 

Dave frowned, "Really? No one to have you?"

  

He really couldn't believe Chester was actually willing to sleep in a car not knowing when he would get to sleep in a bed next time.

 

"Not anymore."

 

"Brad. Take Chester for the night?" Mike suggested just out of nowhere.

 

Chester tried to contain himself. He could almost hear Brad stop breathing when he pondered what to say.

 

"Dude. You have more space than us others", Mike continued.

 

Brad knew he didn't have a choice. If he would say no it would just cause a huge fight. That could lead to pretty much anything, depending how mad Mike would be. And he  _did_  have space, even if he lived in a studio.

 

"I know you like privacy, but him sleeping in the car again... think about it. Especially when we have the show tomorrow. And it's not safe."

 

"Fine", the guitarist threw his hand in the air.

 

Chester was shocked Brad had actually agreed. But he was also happy he didn't have to sleep in the car. He never got good rest there, always paranoid someone would break in or just set the car on fire or something. Being paranoid in a new city could really fuel his nightmares.

 

"Awesome", Mike smiled broadly, happy that Brad co-operated. For him, it was a glimpse of the Brad he used to know.

 

But he didn't realize what storm was bellowing inside Brad. The worst thing was that Brad didn't know what to expect. Having Chester over at his apartment was one thing. Having  _just anyone_  over was another thing.

 

"I need to go and do some grocery shopping", Brad mumbled absentmindedly. Maybe if he would gather himself up for a few hours it wouldn't be that bad.

 

"I uhm... maybe if you give me the address I'll follow later", Chester asked.

 

Fifteen minutes later he was back in his car cursing the parking ticket he had gotten and wondering how should he spend the two hours Brad had given for him. He tried not to be nervous but it was Brad. They had barely spoken in weeks and now he was supposed to sleep in his apartment. Even if it was one night. The last night they had spent under the same roof returned back to his mind and he shivered.

 

While his mind kept inventing different scenarios he started the car and drove to the closest 7-Eleven. Something to drink and eat in the parking lot. He wasn't even that hungry, but he knew he had to eat something. A sandwich and a soda later he was ready to head to Brad's, now only hoping he wouldn't get lost.

 

"Hey. Whoa, this is nice", Chester greeted him, looking inside the apartment when the other opened his door. The instructions Brad had given him turned out to be really good and he found the place easily.

 

Brad snorted and shook his head, "Yeah well, I like to keep everything clean and simple."

 

The whole apartment was tidy. No clothes lying around, no empty plates or drinking glasses. Everything in its place. Nothing too fancy or expensive looking. A couch and a tiny coffee table and that were it.

 

"That is the bed. Or rather you can fold it to a bed", Brad noticed he was looking at the couch, "I have a mattress in the closet but I'll sleep on that."

 

"Wait, no. Why? I am a guest. I sleep on the floor", Chester frowned.

 

"And my mom taught me that the guest needs the bed more than the owner of the apartment. But either way is fine, you decide", the other nodded.

 

Behind the calm exterior, Brad was overwhelmed. He knew he had to keep the walls up but it wasn't the only reason why he was afraid. The whole idea of someone else in his apartment made him feel weird. But it was Chester and Chester had been nothing but kind to him. Even Chester trying to get him to talk meant only that he cared. The other thing was that he felt bad. His problem was only his own one, and it wasn't Chester's fault in any way. It sure annoyed him greatly that the other was so nosy, but he still felt a sting when he thought how he had behaved. Chester wasn't Mike and his approach was different.

 

"Did you get something to eat already?" Brad swallowed thinking would Chester find it weird that he was suddenly so kind.

 

"Yeah I did", Chester nodded feeling strange. Whether it was Brad finally talking or just the fact that he was there inside his apartment, he didn't know.

 

They stared at each other for a while, both not knowing how they were actually going through the same feelings.

 

"Okay, so uhm... You could like watch TV or something? I will make something for myself", Brad pointed at the remote control and left then.

 

Chester sat down on the couch and opened the TV. He didn't even know what to watch but he rather chose some random show than just sit there in silence.

 

Two hours later they were watching Friends together and Brad had finished his dinner. Chester didn't even remember then the awkwardness that had been between them just hours ago. It was like they had been like that for ages. Both laughing at same jokes, completely relaxed.

 

"I think I need to go to bed", Brad shook his head after another burst of laughter.

 

"Yeah, me too. But I will take the mattress."

 

"Fine", Brad accepted it and went to pull the mattress from the closet while Chester turned the TV off.

 

In no time they had brushed their teeth and turned off the lights. Brad opened the couch that turned to a rather comfy looking bed for one and Chester pulled the covers on himself on the other side of the room.

 

"Are you excited?"

 

"Huh?" Brad frowned in the darkness.

 

"The gig."

 

"Oh. Yeah, sure. The new venue is always a strange thing, but yeah", the guitarist answered realizing Chester didn't know how complex it was. That him feeling strange wasn't just the new venue and all the arrangements, but also all the unspoken things.

 

"I like small venues."

 

"You have never played in a big one."

 

"Yeah, but I have seen bands in big venues. It's not that there are many people, but they are closer to you in small venues. You can see the facial expressions."

 

"And they can see ours you forget", Brad snorted.

 

"Mhm, yeah. That too. But on big venues, the performer is up there. More like on a pedestal", Chester nodded and shifted on his mattress.

 

"True. Guess there are good sides in both."

 

"Yup. And festivals... What about festivals? Outdoors. But it can rain. But if the people are to see some other band they might be kinda forced to see us too. That means pressure too you know", the singer pondered.

 

Brad laughed and shook his head, "Glad you are so smart. It gets boring to be always the smart guy."

 

"What do you mean? They are smart too", Chester turned to Brad's direction even though he couldn't see him in the dark.

 

"Dude, that was a joke. You don't know yet my humour", the other noted.

 

"Oh... Well yeah, not really seen much of it."

 

And suddenly it was like a bucket of ice had been poured over Brad. He knew he hadn't been fair. But taking some distance to the singer had been the best solution. It saddened him that it had to go down to that, but he also knew it wouldn't be permanent. That someday they would realize this was him now. Mike would stop nagging and the strange thing they had with Chester would be forgotten.

 

"Sorry I didn't..." Chester started but he stopped when Brad stayed quiet. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to go there.

 

"It's fine", Brad said and smiled sadly in the darkness after a long silence.

 

"But I'll take the compliment. People don't say often that I am the smart one. I am either the weird, the awkward or the funny one", Chester explained, changing the subject back.

 

"I get that. I think that sometimes we show the best sides of us to only for the ones that deserve it the most."

 

Chester couldn't agree more and soon the silence filled the room again as they both fell asleep.

 

_Shivering he lifted his gaze. Again the darkness had swallowed him. He couldn't see a thing. Then a shuffling noise reached his ears and he realized he wasn't alone. He tried to move but a sharp pain around his wrist stopped him. A breath against his face, the person was near. Too near. Somewhere in the background, he heard a car alarm. In the silence it felt like it was piercing his ears. And it was so cold. The wall against his back felt strange, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why. Another set of shivers shook him and he had a horrible feeling he had been there before. He pulled his arm but it didn't do a thing. Then there was a hard slap on his face and he froze. Confusion spread throughout him, mixing in with the fear that he felt all the way in his spine._

 

_"No point in that."_

  

_A voice. Suddenly, finally, a voice, and he gasped. But it made him realize he really had been there before. Now the fear washed over him when the distant memory of the past tried to work its way to the surface. His legs were being yanked and he would have fallen on his back if the thing around his wrist wouldn't have prevented it. He was sure he screamed. It hurt so much that he was sure of it. But nothing came out. Then he felt the person hover over him and his hand being grabbed. After a few seconds of fiddling his wrist was being freed. Then his feet were being pulled again. More screaming, while no sound came out. More pain as his head hit the ground. More confusion and fear. His mind was fighting back while his body refused to function. But now his mind was slowly going blank as the fear drowned him. Then the cold hand closed around his throat and the panic arose. There was only one way and could now remember what it was. And he begged he wouldn't have to go through it again.  
_

 

Chester woke up choking for air. He rolled onto his side gasping, trying to draw his lungs full of oxygen. The panic clouded his mind, but now it was purely only because he felt like he was about to choke to death. He blinked in the darkness, trying to focus. Trying to find the sense he knew was somewhere in the back of his mind. He was at Brad's place and perfectly safe. The only person in the room with him was Brad. He wasn't dying. Then he heard the sob on the other side of the room.

 

"Brad?" he croaked and crawled to his knees trying to figure out where the other was.

 

No answer. Only heavy breathing. When he finally got his eyes to spot Brad he frowned. Brad wasn't in bed but sitting on the floor. Back against the wall, but that was all Chester could make out of his figure.

 

"What the hell?" he said now, realizing that he probably sounded more aggravated than he was supposed to. Then he realized it was because he was scared. The fear was still webbing through him, and separating it from the reality was hard.

 

Slowly he approached the other but stopped when the other exclaimed. Then the sadness that he had felt so many times was there again, weighing on his shoulders and he had to stop to breathe. It hurt so much and he couldn't comprehend why. But Brad was still sobbing and despite the feeling tearing him up, there was also the pull towards the other.

 

"Brad..." he started again barely getting the words out.

 

"Don't. Please. Just..." Brad choked and Chester realized he sounded exactly the same way as himself just a minute ago. That Brad wasn't able to breathe properly.

 

The worst part was Chester didn't know what to do. Brad sounded so horribly disarranged. He stood there staring through the darkness. The sadness was even darker than the room, entwining them in. He closed his eyes and tried to count to ten. When it didn't help he continued. As he reached thirty he shook his head and opened his eyes. Brad sounded still strange, like a panicked animal taking his last breaths and Chester knew the other would faint if he wouldn't do anything.

 

He crouched next to the other and reached his hand. When his fingers found the bony shoulder the guitarist let out a horrified whimper and flinched.

 

"What the hell is happening?" Chester gasped when the fear squeezed his heart as the nightmare returned to his mind.

 

He didn't see it but Brad shook his head tears streaming down his face as his mind kept repeating the nightmare. An incident that was real to him, but wasn't for Chester. What he couldn't understand was  _why now?_  Slowly he curled to a ball folding his fingers behind his neck. He could feel Chester's hand still on his shoulder and wanted him to leave him alone but he couldn't get it out of him. Somehow the words got stuck in his throat. So he let him. They sat in silence once again, only his own shaky breaths breaking it. He was beyond confused. And maybe he could have dealt with it alone, but Chester witnessing him breaking down like that, again, hurt him. And so did the memory that replayed over and over again in his mind. Clawing his neck, still feeling the fingers there he trembled.

 

And somewhere in the far distance, a car alarm echoed in the cool night air.

 

 

 

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**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you will stay and enjoy this journey.


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